Roll your own cig

The other day, a friend was over for a C & C, a coffee and a chat.

As soon as the cup was out, out came the rolling tobacco and she proceeded to assemble some of the pouch contents and a rolling paper.

The vast internet has tutorials for everything, from skinning road kill to rolling a cigarette. The photo series on wikihow shows the steps but, honestly, looks kind of weird.

The conversation abruptly turned to the skills involved in rolling a cigarette. Lay people in their inexperience tend to call it a question of hand - eye coordination. The devil, though, is in the details, not just - as many non-smokers and the World Health Organization see it - in the tobacco. There is the skill of volume assessment to get the correct amount in a single try, then there is the correct distribution of the tobacco along the length of the rolling paper. After these crucial first steps comes the actual rolling, a highly coordinated set of movements that require the right amount of pressure. Too little, and you get no more one or two drags before the cig disintegrates and burning tobacco burns a hole into your clothing, too much, and your smoking is about as successful as sucking on a stick lit at the end that points away from the mouth.

The ideal cigarette is an even cylinder and takes years of practice. Misshapen smokes are much more fun, so we made a list we share here.

1.  The recently fed snake
It starts thin, has a large bulge in the middle, then goes thin again.

2. The cone
There are two basic cones, one looks like the pot joint, the other looks like the cone on a dog or cat after surgery. The latter is often called the "cone of shame" because the self aware pet obviously feels insecure and awkward wearing the collar. It is also the ultimate embarrassment for the cigarette roller.

3. The cigar
As the name indicates, a rolled cigarette that is so thick that there is almost no contact between the glue strip and the opposite side.  In some circles, this is also derided as "a sausage".

4. Slim Jim
Also called a "Virginia" after the brand Virginia Slims. While some people like it, most smokers find a rolled cigarette that consists of as much paper as tobacco fairly revolting. Just how revolting? Tear  a piece of newspaper off, make a tube, light it, and smell it. Do not inhale!

5. The tarry eyed
Frequently, the cigarette looks quite normal until you hold it between your lips. You may find there is not enough tobacco at the end, which flattens the end, making the upper paper touch the lower. After two or three puffs, tar builds up on the paper, and the taste becomes outright evil, eye-watering bitter and like someone stuffed a burning piece of road pavement in your mouth.

Oh, one more thing. Except for the friend rolling a cigarette, the rest of the post is complete fabrication.