Industry and trade work in mysterious ways, as anyone with international travel experience knows.
Going from New York to Texas does count, although it is irrelevant to today's post.
We have written about several strange commercial customs in Germany, for instance about the fact that aspirin is outrageously expensive in this country - made weirder even because this is where aspirin was invented.
Today, we need to talk about another intimate subject: socks.
If you are male and your feet are not tiny, you are advised to bring plenty of socks on any trip to Germany. Well, let's make that to Europe, since the United Kingdom is even worse because their train stations are littered with sock shops that are unable to meet the demand of average people.
Wearing size 9 shoes or below? You are safe, treat this post as entertainment or as a boost to your dented morale, right? Because of the little feet.
Wearing size 10 and up? This post could save you lots of frustration.
Walk through every mall or pedestrian zone in Europe, and you will see displays of inexpensive socks in sizes up to European 45, which is approximately U.S. 12. Europeans like their socks nicely designed and crafted with comfy heels. So, you buy a five or ten pack, and feel good.
The false sense of security will get a hole about the size of a big toe after the first wash & dry cycle. They won't fit any more.
At this point, do not panic!
Above all, do not go out and buy more of the same. If you have a single pair of clean, undamaged socks, find a paper bag, and in big, fat letters write airport security socks on it, then put the pair of socks in the bag and stow it safely.
Having this single pair of socks safe for the potential source of great public shame that is airport security will allow you to travel with dignity.
Next, weigh your options.
You can go commando, of course. Only, for feet it is not called going commando, it's called hippie style or barefoot.
You can get a pair of hiking socks at the bargain basement price of around 20 bucks. But you do get two socks for the price of one.
You can wear mismatched socks if you have a couple that still fit but are not the same color. To make this work, put on different color socks and practice a whimsical response to any comment by co-workers or your partner in front of the mirror. Wear nothing but the socks - if you can do a straight faced whimsical response in that outfit, you have nothing to fear at work.
You can send an email to a loved one, or - once you get desperate enough - to uncle Jamie back in the U.S. asking to mail you a pack of tube socks. In the crazy world of 2014, putting the words "tube socks" into an email may get you into all kinds of trouble. Internet email sucking computers hiding at every node may misinterpret the request. Is the reward of fresh, fitting socks worth the risk of ending up in a Chinese computer flagged for all eternity as a pervert who orders condoms from "uncle Jamie"?
Oh, you didn't know that some people jokingly refer to condoms as 'tube socks'?
If you are lucky, you can find a rare European type of tube socks, called Bergmannssocken in German, "miners socks". They don't come in white. With the steep decline of the coal mining industry in Europe, these socks are hard to come by. Stock up if you do find them, and send us an email with contact information!
Travel guides fail to address the absence of tube socks in Europe, our Conspiracy Affairs Editor (CAE) pointed out. Neither do reports about the mining industry and miners union strikes. Isn't this odd, given that tube socks are the most egalitarian of socks? Will scientists one day find out that the onslaught of British WAS IT girl Maggie on the miners unions was as much motivated by a desire to suppress the egalitarian socks as by any other dark impulse?
Disclaimer: Neither Monty Python nor Joe Frank contributed to this post. If this post inspires you to import tube socks into Europe, please show your appreciation by donating a free lifetime supply.
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