Mandatory nude beaches: no more burkini problem, no beachfront terrorism, better for the environment

The blogster is trying to beat TheOnion to this one. The best way to achieve this it to not look at the Onion's website until we have published this post.

So, here we go.

The simplest solution by far to the burkini problem haunting the civilized world is to make all beaches mandatory nude beaches.

It would solve discrimination issues which inevitably arise from Catholic nuns' bathing habits. Why do they get to dunk in garb but not Muslims?

Done.

Another unresolved problem with the amount of clothing has not received much attention besides the now famous photo of two people in full motorcycle garb on a beach. Here is what burkinistas could do to circumvent the ban: dress in normal street clothes, long pants, long sleeved shirt, plus a hat with cloth on the sides of the head and down the back.

This look, variously called "le look French Foreign Legion" or "American almost nude bathing" would potentially cause numerous legal challenges, tying down much needed law enforcement resources on beaches.

Disclaimer: It also happens - minus the ridiculous head gear - to be the standard outfit worn by the blogster on the beach, so there is some selfishness in highlighting potential issues.

The real security gain from mandatory nude beaches would obviously be inherent protection against beach front terrorism. There is simply no way to hide an AK or an Uzi when you are in the buff.

Note that we are only addressing beach front terrorism, not terror. On nude beaches, the two terms are not as interchangeable as they may be in other contexts.

Do we need to explain this?

Good.

The claim that mandatory nude beaches are better for the environment is less intuitive than the other claims. European beach frolickers of the kind the French fondly call "les rosbifs" would initially waddle to the waterline slathered in a thick layer of SPF 500 sunblock. Nothing environmentally friendly about that, true.

The boost to a more healthy beachfront environment would come from the overall decline in resource use.

People would head to the beach later in the morning, leave earlier in the evening, and during winter and during the transition times in Spring and Fall, beaches would be empty, allowing the downtrodden delicate flora to stabilize sand dunes and leaving sand fleas and other critters alone.

To galvanize reader support for this unconventional proposal, the blogster would like to ask you a simple question.

Don't you want to help save the incredibly rare Petrophaga Lorioti?

Ha, forgot the angle of the much needed economic boost to ailing Southern European countries. Climate change with more heat in the North could negatively affect this in the medium to long term but it should bring much needed cash to the South prior to that.

Northern European beaches would continue to see hardy Finnish and Russian thrill seekers as well as an assortment of masochists from other countries, but the bulk of beach enjoyment would go south, thus giving the countries on the Mediterranean the cash relief the stingy German government doesn't want to provide otherwise.