German chainsaw massacre

Don't let your imagination run wild.

In this country, you need a license to operate a chainsaw. No matter whether you run a 5 inch sausage cutter or something resembling a good old American 40 inch blade chainsaw.

Before German law, all chainsaws are equal.

You must be in possession of a valid chainsaw training certificate before you can get violent with the vegetation in your own yard.

The way this works is easy to understand.

You need to buy the following:
1) Helmet
2) Hearing protection (Mickey Mouse style)
3) Face shield
4) Safety chainsaw jacket
5) Safety chainsaw pants
6) Safety boots
7) Chainsaw, or borrow from a neighbor

That will cost you around 500 euros. A little more for an Armani Chainsaw Outfit (not officially announced but certainly in the works for the high-end bankers from nearby).

Next, you need to find when the local forestry officials are offering a class. Once a month tops, maybe less frequently.

Have 150 euros ready, and book early.

Aspiring villains please note: the class teaches dismemberment of plants and strictly focuses on how to avoid dismemberment of people or animals.

When all this is accomplished, you can work in your own yard.

All that remains is to ensure that you are permitted to cut down that tree.

The necessary instructions and warnings for this activity were described in this earlier post about the new German tree murderers.

In case you refuse to get the chainsaw training, know that you will have no insurance cover and can get fined on top. Unlike the parking fines, this will really cost you.