The new German killers -- murdering trees

A new breed of law breakers has evolved in Germany without lots of public attention.

Some newspapers will run the odd two liner about them but they have not made it into the huge law and order debate you'd expect.
Not too long ago, German environmental laws have witnessed another tightening of rules regarding cutting trees.

Not those in forests, those in your backyard or frontyard. In most, if not all, German states, you cannot just go and cut any of your own trees. If they are under a certain trunk diameter, you can, but we are talking centimeters here. Centimeters any tree can add in a couple of summers to protect itself against vicious you.

"What else would you expect in a country where every tree has a name", some would say.

But there is a process for cutting down bigger trees. You need an arborist to certify that a tree is dangerous or sick beyond recovery. The arborist will look long and hard, measure, evaluate and write a report. For a fee.

You hand that in with the local government. They look long and hard, and evaluate. For a fee.

They will say no in most cases.

Which, as we have seen in many other areas of life, is the perfect setup to spawn a profitable criminal subculture.

Which, yes, is almost impossible to undo because the criminals are all these ordinary law-abiding citizens.

We at the krautlandnews went undercover into the murky world of suburban gardens and rural backyards to bring you the following.

Common ways to get rid of unwanted trees include, in order of risk:

Measure a little further up the trunk
Honest mistakes help in all walks of life.

Bribe an arborist
Works because the government folks won't come out to check.

Kill the tree
Drill holes, put in some nasty chemical, from kerosene to the very toxic stuff. Then call the arborist.

Cut the tree yourself
The most demanding and most risky approach, and gas powered chainsaws are noisy. But it is known to have worked. Just make sure to artificially age the fresh cut surface of the trunk by rubbing on some dirt. Never use this method if your neighbor hates you.

When you are done with the illegal enterprise, plant low shrubs or non native vines. You will enjoy permit free expression of your plant murdering destructive impluses forthwith.

If you prefer the legal route, you will be stuck with even more trees later because they require you to plant between one and three new ones for every tree you get to remove.