No, I don't want to be asked to do a customer satisfaction survey after every bank transaction.
If these surveys are used to fire service reps who don't make the cut, that's institutionalized snitching, period.
Neither do I want to be asked after a call to customer service how I would rate the experience - unless the company offers the option "post traumatic".
Birthday congratulations* by a bank, an auto dealer, or by the sex toys shop are out of order for anyone in the household except the cats. Birthdays, to me, are a non event except for those ending in 0 and the one when Social Security starts paying. The latter, ironically, keeps moving back, and some crazy folks want to get rid of it altogether thus making it the ultimate non-event.
After years of hesitation, I always click the No, thank you button of the pop up that announces me I have been selected for a short survey. This policy was adopted the hard way, after feeling a bit flattered and trying to help improve the world - only to land on the Survey Monkey web site and, half an hour later, wondering what joker came up with the "it will only take a few minutes of your time".
At that point, I realized that Survey Monkey refers to you who take the survey, and don't let them tell you anything else. You are the monkey. At least, they should have called it Survey Great Ape, but no, not even that.
To me, the birthday card from the bank does not express the teller's happiness to see me alive and well. To me, it says we've got your money, and it gets worth less and less every year. And by the way, if you were really rich, one of our private wealth management consultants would send you a hand written card with a bottle of champagne, but instead we let a computer print out a card.
I fully expect to wake up one day and hear on the news that Al-Qaeda or the latest terrorist group du jour packs leaflets around their bombs with a feedback number, We value your feedback at Al-Qaeda 1-800 How's my Bombing, or that done strikes, at least British ones, come with a note Sorry for the inconvenience. For questions or feedback please call <Premium Telephone Number>**
Let's pray that none of the death penalty countries on this odd planet starts to hand out feedback flyers to any audience or to the executioners.****
For years, I asked myself, how could this happen, how did we get here?
The birthday greetings may well be the result of Victorian novels replete with birthday cards, you know, scenes penned while the author is trying to figure out what to write next. I can picture one sitting there thinking, hm should I send him to Africa to contract some terrible affliction or to the New World colonies, while his pen is on auto-pilot scribbling, oh, dear, a birthday card by the Earl of Primrose, my, how considerate, do we know his birthday, and that of Lady Primrose?
And the feedback surveys?
There must be one original survey, Survey Zero, possibly dating to the time when the first polling companies realized that elections occur only every few years, and a smart intern figured out how to fill the time.
Once software companies realized that they could easily get customer satisfaction rates of 95%*** or more with no greater effort than throwing in a few football tickets or careful selection of booth hostesses, there was almost no stopping.
The real genius of the surveys, though, is the what can we improve section. Because, believe it or not, once the genius inventor has invented the supremely new and disruptive thing or service, they face a hard choice: either sell the company as fast as you can, or make more new and exiting things or services.
When they opt for the second, they need new ideas, and that's where customers come in and give them ideas for free after filling out a survey for free.
Are there companies who do not need customer satisfaction surveys?
Yes, those with a no-questions-asked lifetime warranty/return policy.
* For you social engineering types, it is not my birthday, not even close. And I didn't do a bank transaction either.
** The UK government seems to love premium telephone numbers, and I can not figure out why.
*** There is no way my last employer gets a real 95% satisfaction rate, unless 95% of customers have exceedingly low expectations.
**** Although I'm not sure this is not already done.
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