Enhanced leadership techniques

Always at the cutting edge, we at the K-Landnews decided to turn our vast academic knowledge and skills to leadership.

As you know, business and the military share a lot of characteristics. They have HQs, CEOs, COOs, missions, task forces, they have command, communication and control (C3) structures, and much more.

Rank has its privileges in both organizations.

Both can save you or kill you, depending on the situation.

Try as hard as you will, there is always collateral damage.

The most dangerous request you can receive in either starts with "The boss would like you to think about...". That's the general in the army and the CEO in the suit and tie uniform outfit.

They have honorable and dishonorable discharges. In both organizations, a dishonorable discharge is often triggered by an initial primary discharge into a female co-worker. A nod to the experts: That primary one is technically a shaped charge. And don't forget the drill song line "this is my rifle, this is my gun".

These days, you can even find software ninjas. Their battle cries are: "Take this byte, sucker" or "This byte hurt, dinnit!"

It is time to show how Enhanced Leadership Techniques are successfully applied in a business environment.

What they can do for your business, what they are:
1) Plausible deniability
If something goes wrong, no one can pin it on you.
2) No permanent visible physical damage
Replace the sand-filled sock with a heavy phrase wrapped into an innocuous sentence, and hit them hard.
3) Freezing temperatures
Employees have subconsciously recognized this technique in the oft found phrase: to be put out in the cold. Still, it remains as effective as ever.
4) Hot cells or rooms
Implemented civilian version: really sweaty sweat shop
5) Stress positions
Implemented civilian versions: Hang 'em out to dry;  Bring them to their knees
6) Attack dogs, simulated or real
Implemented civilian version: Feed 'em to the wolves

How do we know they work? Been there, done that. If you have seen a couple of tough guys flat on the ground at -10  C spill a few live combat frequencies after five minutes.

We do not advocate use of these techniques and feel that modern business needs training in countermeasures.

For a small fee, we will be happy to refer you to a specialist team of academic mercenaries, the feared Library Seals,  aka. Bookworms, who will help you develop and implement R2I (resistance to interrogation) courses for middle management, the most vulnerable category of company employees.
Note: The correct name for the Bookworms is Dewey Decimal Bookworms. Their software ninja counterparts are the Hexadecimal Warriors.

[Update 11 Jan]
The more controversial technique of waterboarding your employees has been modified to be much more humane. This week, a Russian oligarch implemented a version that only involves throwing your employees overboard from a ship in non-shark-infested waters.