Britain to hold referendum on EU. Cliffhanger -- to be continued after 2015 general election.
This one is going to be good, years of debate are assured. We at the K-landnews have asked around for opinions, and all we got was "again?", "who cares".
The K-landnews is a forward thinking publication. As such, we asked our contributors to write two hypothetical statements from an American point of view, one statement covering Britain leaving the EU, the other Britain staying in.
Strangely enough, we have so far only received the one about Britain leaving the EU.
Dear British Friends,
Four score and a few years, or is that three score and a few years, nah, whatever, let's start this over.
Welcome to your manifest destiny as the 51st state of the United States of America.
Your path to becoming the state that Puerto Rico cannot be will be marked by a double divorce. You accomplished the first part, the divorce from reality, some time ago, and you have just finished the divorce from the EU.
We will gladly have you back, especially after the heroic feats of your finance wizards ca. 2008. You took it upon yourselves to execute the dirty financial deals we could not do in New York, bravo.
And the French, have you noticed that the TGV London to Paris conductors really do not like you?
They always wait until they get out of Liege before they proudly announce the speed of the train!
And the French near St. Malo, oh, wait, they are not that French, so, the "French" near St. Malo still cannot forget a few mishaps of maritime history.
And the other guys, we fought them on the beaches, we fought them in the air, and - and elsewhere, okay that even rhymes. It's been what, almost 70 years, and they have not lifted as much as finger to invade again, sore losers.
You know, America is becoming an island, too. And we could definitely use your isles' numbers to help us bring down the gun violence statistics. Our demographics in recent years have suffered from not having enough old white men, your entrance into the United States would remedy that in one fell swoop. We'll take your Indians, too, they are good Indians, right? The ones that live in the area where your train station signs are bi-lingual, English and Hindi?
The Europeans will never understand you, just look at what they have done to our shared language. The EU documents are English words in a twisted straightjacket of French grammar, what else are they planning? And the childish fun they have pointing out that your public schools are private, and them snickering about school uniforms.
They don't get it that there is a class of people destined to shop at Waitrose, and that there is another class destined to shop at Tesco.
Being the 51st state would also give you an opportunity to apologize for slavery, which you brought us first, and then you split, and we ended up fighting a horrific war over it - remember?
There are two minor things, though. We are now bigger and stronger, and we promise not to bully you, but you need to promise not to throw temper tantrums, like Maggie's foot stomping antics, okay?
When you sign the papers, we'll need to have a quick word about the monarchy, you won't mind, will you?
An American friend.
[Update 23 Jan]
It has been brought to the attention of the K-Landnews team that there are significant human ties between EU countries and Britain. One of Germany's most read authors is of British origin and writes in German; then there is the state prime minister they call Merkel's Mac; there is another widely known official named Montgomery; there is actress Alex Kingston, and there are many more unknowns. As an interim measure after accepting Britain as the 51st US state, we would suggest all of these be given unlimited H1B visas (Habeas 1 Brit visas).
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